Me: Good morning Lexie. Thanks for taking my call today!

Lexie: Well if I wasn’t a latchkey kid, we could be having this conversation in person now couldn’t we?

Me: Lexie, we’ve talked about this. You’re having fun at home aren’t you? I even left music on for you!

Lexie: Classical. Whoopee. Where’s the stuff I can dance to?

Me: Lot’s of people dance to Mozart.

Lexie: Oh yeah. I’ll invite a few friends over.  We’ll have one of those world famous Mozart hootenannies.

Me: I’m not having this argument with you again.  Classical music will enhance your brain capacity which will help you get into a better college when the time comes.  This is an investment in your future.

Lexie: I don’t want to go to college!  I want to dance on Broadway like those kids on “Dance Moms”!  I want to study under Abby Lee Miller! 

Me:  Right… Let’s get back on track here.  The purpose of this interview is to give your friends and family an idea of what you’ve been up to lately.  This isn’t a forum for you to air your latest grievances.

Lexie:  That’s a shame because I have several of them.

Me: I’m sure you do.  We’ll, uh, come back to that.  What have you been doing with your time these days?  You and I have been together for almost 6 months now!

Lexie:  Yeah.  The time’s been dragging along like molasses hasn’t it?

Me:  What do you mean?  I can hardly remember a time when we weren’t together!

Lexie:  This is awkward.  Um.  Yeah… same here.

Me: Let’s talk about this week.  I had President’s Day off… did you have fun spending the day together?

Lexie:  It was a regular blast.  We watched “90210”… very different from every other day of every other week.

Me:  We also went to the park!

Lexie:  Right.  Talk about uncomfortable.  We were the only ones who showed up without a pet.  What was that about? Did we stumble upon some secret President’s Day Pet Society meeting or something?

Me:  Lexie… we were at the dog park.

Lexie:  Well no wonder, then!  Why the heck did we go there?  There was no slide.  There were no swings.  Let’s not make that mistake again, huh genius?  We looked like morons showing up without an animal.

Me:  Hmm.. now this is awkward.  Maybe we should go back to “90210.”  You’ve seen several episodes now.  Do you have a favorite character so far?

Lexie: Kelly Taylor and Donna Martin.  As you know, I’m growing out my hair, and I’d like it to be long and beautiful like theirs.  Also, when I get my license, I see myself driving a BMW convertible like they do.  On that note, I’m also a fan of Steve Sanders who has a Corvette.. oh and Dylan, he drives a Porsche.

Me:  Are you telling me that you only like the characters who drive nice cars?

Lexie:  Yes I am.

Me:  But Lexie, the whole point of the show is that material possessions only get you so far in life.  What about the lessons that we’ve been learning by watching these episodes together?  What about always being honest and learning to be a good friend?  Isn’t that more important than the kind of car someone drives?

Lexie:  No it isn’t.

Me:  But what about us.  Don’t you think we’re pretty great?  We don’t have a luxury car.

Lexie: Why do you think I threw up in the Civic last week? 

Me:  Ok.  Maybe TV isn’t our topic either…. Or cars.  You mentioned that you’re trying to grow out your hair. How’s that going

Lexie:  This Halloween I’ll be starring as Rapunzel. 

Me:  That’s certainly ambitious of you.  You do know that if you want to maintain your flowing locks, you have to allow me to brush you, right?

Lexie: Did I say Rapunzel?  I meant a Rastafarian.  I’m going for the the beautiful matted look.  A cross between Whoopi Goldberg and one of the Jamaican Bobsledders.  

Me:  Uh huh.  Speaking of the Jamaican Bobsled team, are you excited for the Olympics this year?

Lexie:  I sure am!  After I tumble my way to a gold medal or two, we’ll grab some pints at the local pub, see Big Ben, sing a few verses of “London Bridge is Falling Down,” ohh, maybe run into Pippa or one of the Spice Girls, harass the guards at Buckingham Palace… I’m really looking forward to this mate! 

Me: I’m not sure how to tell you this, but I think there’s been a substantial misunderstanding here.  For starters, we’re not going to London for the Olympics.  We’ll be watching it on TV at Grammi and Grandpa’s house…. in Massachusetts… supporting our team right here from our own home turf of America.

Lexie: ……..

Me:  Lexie?  Are you still there?

Lexie:  I’m here. 

Me:  Do you have anything to say?

Lexie:  Well I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to compete with the rest of the gymnastics team if I don’t go to London. 

Me:  That brings me to the next portion of that misunderstanding I referenced a moment ago.  Lexie, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re not going to be on the Olympic team.

Lexie:  WHAT?! 

Me:  Well those athletes train all their lives to earn a spot on the team!  You don’t just put your name on the sign-up sheet to go to the Olympics!

Lexie:  Bollocks. 

Me:  What?  What is that?!  Lexie!  Is that a bad word?!

Lexie:  I guess I’ve been training for London more than you realized. 

Me:  I guess so.  Well we’ve got a big week ahead.  We’re moving to Massachusetts next Wednesday. How do you feel about that?

Lexie:  Scared.  Will I have to go to a new school?

Me:  No, you’ll continue to be home-schooled.

Lexie:  Will I have to cheer for the Yankees?  I’ve lived in Tennessee my whole life!  

Me:  No no Lexie.  We’ll cheer for the Red Sox (as long as they’re not playing against the Braves of course).  You won’t have to be a Yankee fan.

Lexie:  Red socks?!  But I only have pink boots!! 

Me:  Close enough.  I think that pretty much ends our time today.  Is there anything else you want to say?

Lexie:  Yes.  Enough with the Mozart.  I want to dance with somebody!  With somebody who loves me! 

Me:  Aw.  That’s so sweet.  We can have a Whitney-themed dance party tonight after work if you want.

Lexie:  Who said anything about you!?  I want to dance with Milo Randall or that cute boy down the hall! 

Me: Ok Lexie.  As always, it was wonderful chatting with you.  Have a great day.  I love you very much!  You’re so special and important to me!

Lexie:  See ya. 

The very handsome Milo Randall