Because lately, I’ve been recounting stories about Lexie, I thought it might be nice to let her speak out directly.  She allowed me to sit down with her this morning and the transcript below is what followed.

Me:  Hi Lexie, thanks for joining us today.

Lexie: Does this mean you forgive me for hiding in a pile of laundry this morning?

Me: I don’t want to talk about that.  I couldn’t find you for ten minutes.

Lexie: I thought we were playing a game.

Me: A game where the participants run around ransacking their own apartments, screaming “Lexie” at the top of their lungs? … You should have come forward.

Lexie: I didn’t want to give away my position.  Honest mistake.

Me: Let’s move on.  So, I think the readers would like the chance to get to know you a bit better.  They hear so much about you, but now you can tell everyone what you’re really like.

Lexie: One word. “Awesome.”

Me: Right. But let’s expand upon that.  What are some of your favorite things?  Like your favorite band for instance?

Lexie: Everyone already knows this one.

Me: Humor me then.  For the sake of people who might not have studied “all things Lexie.”

Lexie: Bananarama.  After all, who amongst us hasn’t had at least one cruel summer?

Me: Good point.  What about your favorite movie?

Lexie: The Maltese Falcon.

Me: Refined taste.  Lexie, have you ever even seen The Maltese Falcon?

Lexie: I have not.

Me: So how do you know it’s your favorite?

Lexie: Because it’s about a Maltese named Falcon.

Me: Nevermind.  What about TV?

Lexie: Oh, I have several favorite shows.  I just finished the Sopranos, and now I’m about to start Breaking Bad and then Nip Tuck.  I’ve heard they’re both excellent.

Me: Huh? No no. You must mean Berenstain Bears or Sesame Street.  That’s what you watch when I’m not home, right?

Lexie: Um… yeah.  Right.  My favorite character is Meadow- I mean Elmo.  Yeah, I like Elmo.  The red one.

Me:  We’ll talk about this later.  What about your favorite colors?

Lexie:  White and off-white.

Me: Your favorite Kardashian?

Lexie: I don’t follow politics.

Me: No, Lexie.  The Kardashians.  They’re not political.

Lexie: Then why are they the top story on the news every morning?

Me: Because people want to know what they’re doing.

Lexie: Why?

Me: They just do!….  This isn’t going well.  What else do you like to do?

Lexie: Pee on the floor.

Me: LEXIE!

Lexie: Well I do!

Me: Something else.  Do you like to go to the dog park?

Lexie: What is a dog park?

Me: It’s that field we go to where you play with other dogs and run around without your leash.

Lexie: Oh.  Well I just call that the park.

Me: Ok, then. Do you like the park?

Lexie: Not particularly.

Me: Now that’s not true!  You love the park!

Lexie: Yeah, but I’d rather watch TV and chew blankets.

Me:  Fine.  Are you looking forward to Thanksgiving?

Lexie: Yes.  We’re going to see the new Muppet Movie!

Me: Lexie, I’ve told you a dozen times. You can’t go to the Muppet Movie with me. They don’t let anyone with fur into the theater.

Lexie: But the Muppets say we’re all Earthlings!

Me: Let’s wrap this up. Is there anything else you’d like to share with everyone?

Lexie: I don’t think that Ross and Rachel were really on a break.

Me: Anything else?

Lexie: I think we should consider getting a pet.  I’ve seen some on TV and they look like fun.  We could use some company.

Me: I think there’s been a series of misunderstandings here.  Well, thank you for joining us Lexie!  I hope you have a good day.

Lexie: Thanks. I’m planning on rifling through that box of Christmas presents you have stored on top of my crate.

Me: Perfect.  So long.

Lexie: Wait… I have a few more things to add-

Me: Sorry, that’s all the time we have!  Thanks for reading everyone!

Advertisements